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Christmas Jokes

Discussion in 'off topic' started by Alex S, Dec 23, 2019.

  1. Alex S

    Alex S carbon based lifeform

    To lighten the mood.

    I’ll start:

    “why are dogs afraid of Space?” - “because of the vacuum.”
  2. ff1d1l

    ff1d1l pfm Member

    Why won't the republicans impeach trump?
    It's an article of faith that they allow babies to go full term.
  3. Alex S

    Alex S carbon based lifeform

    wonders how long this thread will last
  4. martin clark

    martin clark pinko bodger


    'Say! Those were actually funny!'
    'Sure - do think they meant 'em to be?'
  5. Suffolk Tony

    Suffolk Tony Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment.

    Heath Robinson’s mother knew she was about to give birth to her son when she started having contraptions.
  6. Philim

    Philim pfm Member

    Who is Santa claus's favourite singer?
    Elfish Presley....
  7. Ian G

    Ian G Active Member

    Why don't owls hoot in the rain ?
  8. canonman

    canonman pfm Member

    What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
    Santa stopped at three hos.

    What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?
    When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
    Suffolk Tony and Rob998 like this.
  9. Rug Doc

    Rug Doc pfm Member

    Christmas dinner is a lot like Brexit. Half the family were told they needed to make room for Turkey, so opted to leave Brussels.
  10. Ian G

    Ian G Active Member

    Too wet to woo
  11. Bart

    Bart pfm Member

    ...or even a squirter?
  12. Mike Reed

    Mike Reed pfm Member

    I hear that these Christmas pullovers are made from recycled plastics, and a lot of people are complaining from excess static being generated. However, some stores like M & S have agreed to replace those bought from them free of charge.
    Rockmeister and Suffolk Tony like this.
  13. Mike Reed

    Mike Reed pfm Member

    I'm getting a new dry wipe white board for Christmas; they' really are remarkable. I'm also getting some highlighter pens; they surely are the future, mark my words !
    Suffolk Tony likes this.
  14. sean99

    sean99 pfm Member

    An armed and dangerous psychic midget escaped from a maximum security prison last night. Police are searching for a small medium at large.
    deanf and TheDecameron like this.
  15. sean99

    sean99 pfm Member

    TheDecameron, Mike Reed and Alex S like this.
  16. Realist

    Realist pfm Member

    Whats pink & hangs out yer underpants?

    Yer mum.
    (Rik Mayall)
  17. eternumviti

    eternumviti Bloviating Brexiter

    Ronnie Barker?
  18. Realist

    Realist pfm Member

    I went out for a curry last night. I had a delicious chicken tarka. (like chicken tikka, but a little 'otter.)
    (Mick Miller)
  19. Suffolk Tony

    Suffolk Tony Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment.

    The man who invented the double entendre died last week.
    His wife’s taking it hard.
    sean99 likes this.
  20. Suffolk Tony

    Suffolk Tony Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment.

    Someone thew a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. I'm fine, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

    Anyone on their own this Christmas? I'd like to borrow three chairs.

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